They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Randomize
