I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
