I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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