Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
