I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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