I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
