in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
