He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
