Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
did i walk over a car last night?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
