Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
