I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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