I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
