i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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