Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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