You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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