My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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