i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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