im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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