Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
