I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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