You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
this beer tastes like vomit already
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
