she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
