oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
