I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
