I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
