how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
