i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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