My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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