I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
