Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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