Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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