where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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