the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
