Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
