During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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