i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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