Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
