Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
well you can't waste a boner
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
