Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
