I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
