ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
