When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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