she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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