My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
