Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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