so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
