just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
