Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
