i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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