never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
