i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
