that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
