she woke up with a sticky ear
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
