you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
