I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
