She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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