im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
